Note: This is one of our sillier commentaries. Feel free to laugh or shake your head and say, "Ooookay, these two are really....weird...." (and, trust us, we are! :D).
Note 2: And, yes, this is actually a real discussion we had about this issue last night. No, none of this was made up..... except for Ahsoka's arguments, that is...... XD
Edessa: Ok, so before we begin, what would you like me to
call you?
Ahsoka Tano: Just call me “Ahsoka Tano.”
Edessa: Alrighty. So the question before us is one of
galactic importance: who shot first, Han Solo or Greedo? Who do you think shot
first?
A: Just because everyone says that Han shot first, I’m gonna
say that Greedo did. Just to be different.
E: Then I’ll say that Han shot first. Ok, so give me one
good reason why Greedo shot first?
A: Because…..because Han knew that Greedo was coming, so he
hired a purple chicken with Force powers to knock any blaster bolts that came
his way. So when Greedo shot, the purple chicken – which was on the opposite side
of the bar, still in view – the chicken moved the bolt to the left side of Han,
into the wall, instead of his head. So then Han whipped out his blaster and
shot Greedo. So that’s why Greedo shot first. So what are your reasons why Han
shot first?
E: Um, well, because it’s well-known that Greedo is not the
best bounty hunter in the galaxy, but even he
probably wouldn’t miss at point-blank. Han, who is way more experienced, shot
first which caused Greedo to pull his trigger reflexively – and miss – when the
first bolt hit him. Besides, watch a video of the very original cut and you’ll
notice that Greedo doesn’t shoot at all. It’s elementary, my dear Ahsoka.
A: Well, Greedo had an orange cow working for him. After it
was filmed, the orange cow went in and tampered with the footage so it would
look like Han shot first and that Greedo was just an innocent guy trying to
make a living.
E: But there’s no such thing as an orange cow or a purple
chicken, not even in Star Wars.
A: If you dump paint on them, then they will appear to be
the right colors.
E: But don’t you think we would have seen those creatures in
the actual film?
A: They disguised themselves.
E: As what?
A: Who was all in there? [thinks for a minute] Ok, the orange cow was dressed as a
Bith. The one playing the long thingie, whatever that thing is. And the purple
chicken was the bar tender. So that way he could see everything that was going
on.
E: A four-legged animal can dress up as a Bith?
A: Apparently so. I don’t make up these things. I just say
them as I hear them.
E [sarcasm]: From
the little voices in your head?
A: Exactly. And why would the little voices in my head ever
lie to me?
E: Ooookay. So, if
we follow your theory and say that Greedo really did shoot first, how in the world could he have missed? I mean, Han
was at point—
A [interrupting]: I
told you, the purple chicken Forced the bolt away from Han’s head so he
wouldn’t be shot.
E: But it was point blank!
A: The force-using chicken did it! I don’t know everything
about the Force, but I know it can move blaster bolts.
E: So, if we follow my
theory and say that Han shot first,
then why didn’t Greedo’s orange cow friend save his life?
A: Because he was busy playing his instrument and didn’t
want to blow his cover. And besides, a cow in a Bith suit can’t run very fast.
E: I’ll take your word for that.
A: So you don’t believe me?
E [mock surprise]:
No. Whoever said that?
A: So you’re saying your proof is irrefutable, and mine is
just hogwash?
E: I didn’t say it like that—
A [interrupting]:
So what makes your proof irrefutable?
E: Um, maybe because mine actually makes sense logically.
Yours….is just crazy.
A: So it’s logical for there to be an entire other galaxy
with a bunch of other planets that all can sustain life and all have different
creatures on them, and they are more technologically advanced and can build
lasers to shoot at each other? That’s logical?!
E: When you say it like that, it sounds stupid. But you and
I both know that you’re just as big of a Star
Wars geek as I am, so you shouldn’t diss it.
A: But that has nothing
to do with it being logically correct. So, therefore, your proof is not
irrefutable and mine is just as good as yours.
E: If that’s the case, then why are we even having this discussion
to begin with?
A: Because the world needs to be educated about the purple
chicken and the orange cow that were behind the scenes in this whole affair.
E: So we agree to disagree, then?
A: Yeah. Basically.
E: So there you have it readers: the argument for Han
shooting first, and the argument (or lack thereof)—
A [exclaiming]:
That is discrimination! You can’t do
that!
E [continuing]:
…or lack thereof for Greedo shooting first. We leave it up to you to decide
which is the more logical.
A: Neither of them, but if you really have to go by logical
then it’s definitely mine.
E: You keep telling yourself that.
A: Ok. I will. Mine’s more interesting.
E: More interesting, perhaps, but not accurate.
A: You keep telling yourself that.
E: I think I’m done here.
So who did shoot first? I don't think we'll ever really know. There will always be Han Solo advocates and there will always be Greedo advocates.
Who do you think shot first?
And, in other news, today is International Star Wars Day! So pull out your Star Wars LEGO sets, dust off your old Jedi costume, have a lightsaber battle in your backyard, make a mini Star Wars film, play a Star Wars game, and don't forget to show off your love for that amazing galaxy far, far away!
Have a happy, wonderful Star Wars Day! And May the Fourth Be With You!
- Edessa, signing off
